After 2 years I felt it was time to update this post. Facebook is constantly changing and so are the types of people posting on your wall. Working in marketing, an important part of my job is to monitor social media activity. In addition to this, on my downtime, I like to catch up with friends and family on Facebook. I spend more time than the average person does looking at Facebook, so maybe I just see more odd behavior.
Here are the 40, yes 40, species of Facebookers that I have discovered (other than the normal ones like you and me of course). Admittedly, I am not entirely blameless for some of these behaviors.
1) The Spoiler – The poster who unthinkingly blurts out reality show results or movie endings without thinking… “OMG I can’t believe they killed off [insert main character]!” …thereby completely negating the fact that you had it DVR’d. It’s because of these people, that you have to avoid Facebook until you catch up on your show. This is especially troublesome if you watch popular shows (Dexter, Sons, Breaking Bad). Profile Picture: The actor they are told they look like.
2) The BitStripper – I’m going to make every lame thing I do into a cartoon! Those who aren’t able to draw so much as stick figures now have the power to create cartoons featuring them and their friends getting into silly shenanigans. Please, pay no attention to the fact that these annoy the heck out of the other 90% of people on Facebook. Profile Picture: Their BitStrip Avatar.
3) The Drama Queen – Everything is a tragedy in this person’s word: from ruining a favorite shirt to a disagreement with the boss. This person’s world is always about to end and no one feels emotion like they do. You can’t POSSIBLY understand, so don’t bother commenting. You wonder if their head would explode if something truly bad happened. Profile Picture: A shot of them with their ex cropped out.
4) The Debbie Downer – Every post is “boo hoo hoo.” This person can’t muster any joy whatsoever and they live to make you feel bad too. Their cat is ill, their rent went up, and no one loves them. Ugh, it’s too sunny out. Profile Picture: A crying angel with black wings.
5) The World Traveler – There is one simple reason we dislike this person: photos of shopping in Peru, coffee in Venice, rock climbing in New Zealand, and whale watching in the Pacific Northwest. They make us all jealous with their nifty exploits and as much as we hate it, we’re fascinated and look at every photo. Profile Picture: Them at an outdoor market in Thailand.
6) The Cryptic One – This person always leaves you wondering what the heck they mean. They post things like, “That’s it, I am finished!” With what? Your boyfriend? Your homework? Your sandwich? Then when someone responds asking for clarification, they never respond or say “Nothing.” This type of behavior does not make them mysterious. Instead, it just makes them irritating. Profile picture: A close up of their eye.
7) The Passive Aggressive – This person’s inner high school sophomore is great at directionless outbursts. “I wish she would just shut up” or “I just hate some people… you know who you are.” They don’t actually name a suspect. Instead, they just throw it out there untagged so that they don’t have to deal with any actual repercussion of the statement. Profile Picture: The look they think is sexy but actually makes them look like they have a stomach flu.
8) The Aggressive – Everything this person says, whether on their wall or yours is vaguely menacing if not outright angry. Mad at the government, mad at the guy in front of them, mad at the world. You cringe when you see their name and they’ve commented on your post. Profile picture: Oscar the Grouch.
9) The Gamer – Their feed is filled with bonus points and farm gifts and high scores. Either that or they’ve revealed their Star Wars name or figured out their Game of Thrones character. Will you please send them a Candy Crush life? Profile Picture: High School senior picture.
10) The Quoter – Every. Single. Day. An inspirational quote or affirmation. A bible verse or horoscope. Frankly, we don’t care what your tarot cards said today. Really, really, don’t care Virgo. Profile Picture: A rose wrapped around their horoscope sign.
11) The VeeJay – This person will post not one, not two, but 15 YouTube videos in a row because they want you to know what they are jamming to. They think their taste in music is so awesome it trumps anything you could be possibly listening to. Profile picture: A shot of them in earphones and sunglasses.
12) The Lovebug – “Brian and I have been together 2.5 months! Happy Anniversary BabyBoo xoxo” These people are making you candy-coated sick to your stomach. This is only compounded when the other side is the same way. While you may expect this from the teen set, there are way too many adults that do this too. Profile Picture: The two of them of course.
13) The Mommy – When a person’s profile and wall exclusively contains pictures of their baby/children. No adult pastimes, no pictures of them. Just every exploit of their darling child and every photo the camera can hold. This can also be said for those with “fur babies.” Profile picture: The apple of mommy’s eye.
14) The Mundane – “Mopping the floor.” “Need Milk.” “Doing Laundry.” If you ever wanted some reading that will put you to sleep, just check out this person’s wall. Not only boring but usually repetitive as well. If you’re just going to post the same thing every day, don’t. Profile picture: Webcam shot of themselves.
15) The Work Hater – This person is known for a few key phrases: “My boss sucks.” “Is it 5:00 yet?” “TGIF” “Longest day ever.” Who knows what they do after 5:00 PM each day. Profile Picture: Tropical Beach/Their Happy Place.
16) The Reposter – Repost this if you agree!! Um, we all hate cancer, we all love our children, but we don’t have to repost everything you ask us to. These folks are often most guilty of posting false rumors about getting your liver removed in a bath of ice. Bill Gates will send me that check since I reposted this. Right? Profile picture: From four years ago.
17) The Check-In – Makes it easy to stalk their every move. Everywhere you go, everyone you’re with, everything you’re doing, goes on Facebook. Profile picture: Them and eight others at favorite restaurant.
18) The Cross-Platform – Facebook status updates contain #hashtags because they are posting the same thing on Facebook, Twitter, Google + and Linkedin. Gets annoying if you follow them on more than one media. Status always less than 140 characters. Profile Picture: Headshot from work.
19) The Lurker – Never posts, never likes, never comments, but always seems to know exactly what you are up to when you run into them at the bagel shop. So you know they are looking at everything. Profile Pic: Same one since they started Facebook.
20) The Insomniac – Can’t sleep. So tired. Who else is on at 3 A.M? Lunesta sucks. Need coffee. Profile picture: Phone selfie from their bed.
21) The Rain On Your Parade – The minute you announce your promotion or your scheduled trip to Cancun, here comes Rain, ready to inform you that your new job means more taxes, or regale you with the odd rash they got in Cancun. Heaven forbid you are expecting a baby or getting married because this person will gladly remind you of real life by commenting, “But aren’t you in foreclosure?” Profile Picture: Suspiciously evil grin.
22) The Huh? – Whoever taught this child in the second grade needs to be fired. sOmEtImEs ThEy B LiEk Dis. Sumtimes they dont no how 2 spel. More pacifically they mess up words, irregardless if their words or not. TTYL KTHXBYE. Profile photo: Species too varied to specify.
23) The Bored One – Always bored, always saying “I’m bored!” which is toggled by “Text Me!” and “What’s everyone doing?” Profile Picture: The latest third party photo manipulator.
24) The Get a Pinterest Already – Some Facebookers haven’t discovered Pinterest yet and don’t know that is where you’re supposed to share all of those recipes you intend to make, interior design shots for inspiration, craft project ideas and fashion ensembles. Profile picture: Their latest craft-astrophe
25) The Comedian – Nose, meet milk. This person always has you laughing with original stuff. Whether they’re musing about things or pointing out the funny in everything, these folks are the joy of Facebook and we need more of them. HT George Takei Profile picture: A straight face.
26) The Sick & Tired – We are all sick and tired of hearing from the person who is always sick and/or tired. Their feet hurt, their throat’s dry, they think they caught the office bug. They better go lay down. Profile picture: Their feet in front of the TV.
27) The Facebook Jock – Follows every game, every league and does their best impression of an ESPN broadcaster, keeping you updated on scores and offering their opinion of each athlete’s game. Profile picture: In team colors at team game/match.
28) The Food Photographer – Whether the gourmet meal in front of them is home cooked or served up at a restaurant, this person is forced to photograph the chow for posterity. This only serves to make those stuck on the computer very hungry. Profile picture: Last night’s filet with red wine reduction. (Author’s note: This is me)
29) The Crusader – This one is looking to garner your vote, or to get you to sign a petition or boycott a major brand because they get their goods overseas. The crusader is always trying to right a wrong. Can you adopt this dog? Find this missing child? Oh and can you donate ten dollars to this cause? Profile picture: Them with a sign at a protest.
30) The Musician – Posts about their new CD that you’ve heard about but never seen as well as their upcoming gigs and snippets of the band “live.” Encourages you to visit their MySpace page. Profile picture: Them with their instrument of choice.
31) The Ferris Bueller – Set up a Facebook page in 2010 because someone said they should. Responded to your friend request long after you forgot you requested them. Nothing on their wall except invites to farm. Profile picture: Default grey and white Facebook person.
32) The Political Commentator – This person thinks they are on Meet The Press and that their point of view is so righteous and so correct that they must share it with everyone. This person can be from any political party, but you will know which one by the type of propaganda they distribute. Profile picture: Candidate of choice
33) The Addict – A person who is stuck to Facebook constantly throughout the day and posts every five minutes, be it on their wall, your wall, your pic, his pic, her pic. They take up your notifications dropdown. Profile photo: A pic from last night
34) The Shadow – The person compelled to comment on every post you post, every picture you upload. It’s like they can’t help following you around everywhere you go on FB…kind of like a lost little dog. Profile Picture: A picture of them… and you!
35) The Narcissist – Constantly uploading pictures of themselves, mostly photoshopped. Most are of certain body parts. Abs for guys, chests for girls. Every chance to show off their perfect hair and strike a pose. Profile picture: The bathroom mirror pic.
36) The Fitness Freak – Constantly checking in at the gym or mapping their run. Color runs, 5Ks and Warrior Dashes galore! These folks are fit and they want you to know it. You know how someone is doing CrossFit? They’ll tell you. Profile picture: Them sweaty and gross after 50 burpees lying on the warehouse floor.
37) The Fan Girl – And to be fair, fan boys. The person who is just 100% obsessed with some singer, actor, or the character from a show. All of their musings, posts, thoughts and photos are about this person. They link to articles about them. They would “die” if they ever met them, etc. Profile photo: The crush.
38) The Marketer – Doesn’t matter if you like their business page or not, this person still uses their personal page to promote their business all of the time. You want to demand they use a business profile but they don’t know the difference. So you get to see their restaurant specials, or real estate listings, and worst of all their MLM product. Profile picture: The 3/2 they’re trying to sell.
39) The Couple – You have to wonder if this couple is inseparable or if one or the other couldn’t care less about social media. Their name is always AmyAndRob Jones, or similar. It’s their wedding plans, their sonogram. She’s not having a baby, they are! Profile picture: Amy, Rob, the kids, the dog and the cat.
40) Mr. Zuckerberg – Is there any poster worse than Facebook themselves? All of those suggested posts (ads), Brand your friend likes (ad), Free box of crap (ad) Joe invited you to like a page (ad) Ad for the site you just visited (remarketing ad).
So, what type of Facebooker are you? Did I miss one?
– Vikki F.